Consistency Is key, but it sure isn't easy!

What is the hardest part of parenting you ask? That is easy… consistency. When you think about it the lack of consistency is probably the one thing that all of us have it common. It doesn’t matter if we are parents, employed or unemployed, young or old, being consistent is challenging, at least to start. Consistency is the root of every good behavior. We all have brilliant and arguably life-changing ideas, but without the ability to be consistent with the acts to bring that idea, thought or behavior from concept to reality our battleship is sunk! 

Let me paint a picture to illustrate how I “attempting” to slay this dragon with my beloved Jaaziel. As you know Jaaziel was diagnosed with Spina Bifida. I will not go into the specifics of her backstory in this post, but I will share in a post to come. 

It is a crisp Saturday morning and Jaaziel woke in her usual good mood. I had been up for some time working. I can tell that Jaaziel has been awake for some time because she has changed out of her tank top and shorts, her normal sleeping attire, into her flannel candy cane theme Christmas pajamas. Noticing the change prompted me to ask ”Jaaz, did you use the bathroom? Remember you are supposed to go to the bathroom and do your bathroom business as soon as you wake up in the morning.” She responded, “uh-huh, I did.” I could tell from her response and the size of her eyes that she was probably not telling the truth. You know what I am talking about here. That ability you have as a parent to look at your child and have that knowledge that informs you that your sweet, beloved child has told you a bald-faced lie… This knowing has been developing over quite some time as we have struggled endlessly with the bathroom business and her developing the maturity to take control of her care. It is important to note, that I am fully aware of Jaaziel’s capabilities. I would never push her beyond what she is capable of if I thought/felt/knew she was truly unable to do it due to Spina Bifida. I also check myself daily to ensure I am not putting my desires for her health and life on her regarding her bathroom needs. That being said, this bathroom situation has been brewing between her and me for some time and now we are at do or die…. She has shown me, her teachers and pretty much anyone else who spends any length of time with her that the situation with the bathroom is not rooted in Spina Bifida, rather in her WILL, or in this case lack thereof. Ugh… the thing I love most about her is also the thing that I am going to battle with her about. DANG IT!!! That will. As I sit in the bathroom with my head in my hands considering the various potential strategies for approaching this situation I hear the smallest voice say “Listen, whatever you do you are going to have to be consistent.” My reaction was immediate and total exhaustion. Why, you ask? It is because although I claim to be an excellent strategist and skilled “navigator of the parenting obstacle course”, I have met my match in this little girl that I love so much. I often think someone is behind the scene’s giving her my next several moves. That was not the case with the boys… but with Jaaziel, I gotta stay prayed up and keep my strength up. Did I mention she is seven? Jesus KEEP ME!

Be consistent…. Okay, I say to myself laughing into my pep talk to myself. You have had your Starbucks for the day and you got this (although I was planning on taking a power nap so that I could go toe to toe with parenting my team today.) I got this. I will be consistent. I will check to see if she told me the truth and based on that outcome, I will give a positive or negative consequence while discussing the scenario with Jaaziel to see how it goes. The thought of this was draining, but I am going to commit. I mean really commit (meaning no other options can be considered since failure is not an option) and start to be consistent and follow through. I tell Jaaziel that I would like her to try to use the bathroom now, and tell her to come on in and try. I notice the shocked look on her face as she approaches the toilet. I ask again “Did you use the bathroom and take care of your bathroom business when you first woke up?” She again replies Yes…. It is obvious she is not abandoning this lie now. She pulls her clothes down and I can see for myself that what she is “saying” she did and what was “actually” done don’t line up. I ask again and she still holds on to her lie. I move on to teaching mode and say sometime we don’t do what we are supposed to do but when we lie about it we make the situation worse. She nods her head in agreement. I let her know that I am going to ask one more time and I expect the truth. Here is where the genius of Jaaziel shows up. She says “So, if I tell you the truth that is it. Right?” I say no, but the consequence will not be as bad. I ask the question one last time and she confesses. “No, I didn’t go.” I ask, but why? You know the rules, you have everything you need. Why did you decide not to go? She said I didn’t want to and I had a pad (incontinence) on so it is fine. In an instant I realized this meant, Mom, you and I have been in this situation numerous times, you ask the question and I tell you what you want to hear avoiding all consequences while doing exactly what I want to do. Ahhh… I realized that my lack of consistency trained her that she was in control and that what she wanted to do would be tolerated by me. I realized that if I wanted a different result, I have to start right now, no matter what else I had going on. I immediately asked her about the morning rules for the bathroom. She told me exactly what they were, which let me know that she understood. You can’t enforce a rule/consequence if the person does not understand. Then I asked what if anything she had done wrong. She went on to say that not going to the bathroom was the first thing she did wrong and then she did something else wrong when she lied. Again, demonstrating her understanding. I explained the “decision” to not follow the rules and to lie require consequence. I went on to explain that for every decision we make there is either a negative or positive consequence. As we continued to discuss this I gave her examples of decisions that give you positive and negative consequences. I noticed Jaaziel seemed anxious to end our conversation and realized that she was playing with her brothers Gabriel and Azariah and her fur-brother Titan when I asked her to come to the bathroom. She wanted to get back to this which was what she decided to do instead of using the bathroom in the first place. I told her that she is to finish up in the bathroom and then go sit on her bed. I went on to explain that she could use this time to write in her journal about how she was feeling or read a book. I also told her that she was not able to play with anything. I explained that if she was caught playing the consequences would be longer or worse. Before leaving her in her bedroom I told her I would come in to let her know when the punishment was over. I left her room and started to think about the appropriate amount of time for this punishment. This is just as critical as being consistent in my response to her bad behavior. I decided on 15 minutes because the conventional time out being equal to the age (in years) does not work with my child. Have you met her Momma (we give the word persistence new meaning!). 

So here I am in my room starting to write this post when I get another whisper in my consciousness to determine where Jaaziel is. Guess what? She is not her room… I go check and realize Jaaziel is down with her brothers about to eat breakfast. When I ask why she is not her room. She explains that Zari told her it was time to eat. Hmmm…looks like time to teach them who the authority is. I quickly explained that this house is not a democracy. The authority is not shared. I explained that this house is more like a monarchy or a dictatorship. She looked blankly at me as I smiled. I reminded her that I was the one who gave her the consequence and reminded her that I would be the one to take her off. I asked if she remembered that and she admitted she knew. I asked if she thought she made the right decision by listening to Zari. She said no. I understood that it was not really Zari’s authority she respected, it was that it aligned with what she wanted to do. So I asked Zari to put her breakfast in the microwave, and asked Jaaz to go back to her room. I explained that I would come to notify her that the consequence was over. I explained that since she made another decision to follow what she wanted there would be another consequence. While talking to her I am talking to God/The Creator saying “this is gonna be a long day. Am I gonna get that nap? For real, I need it. HELP ME?!? Is my game face on God? Keep my game face strong.” Kids can read faces and weaknesses like animals smell fear. They ain’t gonna get me today! Turning my attention back to Jaaziel I let her know what I will be back to let her know when she can leave. To my surprise, Jaaziel conjures up and sends forth her inner attorney to negotiate the terms of said release before initiating the punishment. At this moment I am both shocked and impressed by the level of maturity and logic in this kid, but I am also put on notice that I am not dealing with a novice. I better not bring a knife to a gunfight. Jazziel, channeling her inner attorney says, so when I get done with the consequence do I just get to go eat then come back up to my room or do I get to go eat and have fun and go do what I wanna do. (Tou·ché I thought to myself.) I answered by letting her know that her consequences would be over, but she had to be mindful to follow the bathroom rules for the remainder of the day or the consequence process would start again.

So it seems that I won this battle. YAY! For the parents. I also realized that I had to assume much of the responsibility in the negative behavior I was seeing. It is hard to recognize and accept that our inconsistent parenting often yields the very behaviors that we are attempting to correct in our children. The do as I say, and not as I do style of parenting is wildly unsuccessful. As humans, we repeat what we see and learn through a series of, largely unspoken, agreements. Like if I do this, you will do that. These series of agreements strengthen the rules we create to govern ourselves. That is quite a bit to think about when we have a million other things to think of. For me, I am going to take it one challenge at a time. Today I am focusing on being consistent. I am going to stop and be consistent in my approach and response to the children in an attempt to have them make better choices, choices that will bring about more positive consequences. I feel this is better than forcing them to do a thing, they need to take ownership of the task and decide to do the right thing. Tomorrow I will commit to being consistent in this area as well. Will this approach work with the bathroom needs, who knows? I feel pretty positive about it. Let’s say we will see and I will let you know. Send me all your strong parenting vibes… God knows I am gonna need it!  

Lots of love, strength and positive parenting energy from me to you!