Pregnant with purpose, being delivered into my destiny. Pt.7

Part 7

Okay… So I know I have been quiet for a minute. Why you ask, well, if I’m transparent, I would tell you that I was letting my own insecurities allow me to let my normal life activities crowd out the time and space I use to produce this. I allowed this, knowing that this IS a divine assignment from the Creator. I know that shouldn’t happen. I promised you I would bear all the scars in Part 1. Here I am fully exposed for all to see. But here is the thing… I’M BACK! I am fully committed, recharged, and ready! No matter how scared, unworthy, or insecure I feel, I WILL continue! You all bear witness me to saying, “Here I am Lord God, send me. I will obey and step out boldly in faith no matter how I feel!” So..are you ready to jump back in with me? I’m so grateful for each of you partnering with me. Let’s do this!

 The Anesthetist arrived at the hospital as I was being prepared to move to the recovery room. Jaaziel was in the care of the NICU team, and we were all anxious to see her. I peppered the nurses with questions about when I would see her and how far her room was from mine. The thought of her not being in the room with me was a totally foreign concept. Her room was quite a long way from mine, and walking proved difficult at best this soon after delivery. But I was determined to make my way to her as soon as I could. And I made sure I would be able to get to her on my own. The nurses left a wheelchair in my room to help me move around on my own. I was not particularly thrilled about relying on the wheelchair, but I cared more about seeing my baby than how I looked, so I accepted the help. My mother, the Anesthetist, and I headed to Jaaziel’s room as soon as I put my belongings on the bed in the recovery room. The journey seemed to take forever. It seemed like every door further extended the time it would take for me to get to my precious baby, especially the NICU doors.

As soon as we turned the corner, I heard a baby crying. The sound of that cry made me cry. I looked up at my mother and said, “That’s Jaaziel.” She asked how I knew that was her crying with all the babies on the floor, and I said, “I just know.” I asked a nurse what room Baby Girl Jenkins was in, and she responded, “007”. I thanked her and smiled. “You are still showing out God,” I thought to myself. I don’t profess to be a numerology student in Christianity, but I know enough to know that the number 7 is very significant. I took this as a wink from God. As we walked toward her room, the crying got louder and more obstinate, or at least as much as possible for a newborn. Sure enough, the cry we heard was Jaaziel. I looked at my mother, and she said, “A mother knows her baby’s cry.”

 We could see that Jaaziel was lying on her belly and receiving a bath from the NICU nurse. The nurse attending to Jaaziel was shocked to see all of us trying to enter the room and asked who gave us permission to come. I explained that I was her mother, and we were unaware that we needed to wait on a call to go to her room. I just knew as a mother I needed and wanted to be with her. I assured her we would stay out of the way and would remain just outside of the room until she was ready for us to enter. She agreed to let us know when she had finished getting Jaaziel settled in. I thanked her for all she was doing, and we moved away from the door. To say my heart was happy is an understatement. I am sure there was a massive smile on my face. The sound of her strong cry gave me hope. The sass, okay, let me be real, the attitude I heard in her cry let me know that she was prepared for battle. I knew that she had to have a fighter’s spirit because, as Dr. Carson explained, the first 2 to 3 weeks would be rough. Her cry was not an “I’m scared, I want my mommy” cry; it was a “GET OFF OF ME! STOP TOUCHING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!” type of cry. Her cry made me laugh because I knew she was tough as nails and ready for battle!

 While I was at her door, I was able to take a look at her back. I could see the myelomeningocele up close and personal. It looked like a small walnut on the base of her back. I also noticed that even on her belly, those legs were undoubtedly moving. In fact, everything was moving! I was relieved, my breathing was calmer, and I was grateful. The Anesthetist seemed quiet. I knew he still had so many concerns as I did as well. But I assured him that she was doing well and that it was okay to be happy. While we were talking, I noticed he continued to look down at the hospital band placed on his arm. When I asked why he continued to look at it, he explained that he was not pleased that “Baby Girl Jenkins” was the name. I reminded him that we were not married, and since the insurance is in my name and the hospital, from a financial or business perspective, doesn’t typically ask, “Who’s da baby daddy?”,  how would they know who he is? He explained he thought it should say, “Baby Girl Morris”.

 I listened but didn’t try too hard to get him to see things my way; I recognized this was obviously something that he was battling independently. I was moving out of the way. It was no longer my responsibility to be his on-call therapist. I decided to stop “Monique-a-fying” the situation. At this moment, all my energy needed to be reserved for Jaaziel. I did think to myself, if that is genuinely how you felt, you literally had 5 years to make good on that; why in this moment does it seem so pressing? To be honest, hearing him speak about marriage didn’t move me at all. I knew the relationship was flawed. I knew I loved him, but I still felt like there was more I didn’t know, more he was hiding from me. 

 The nurse stuck her head out of Jaaziel’s room and let us know that we could come in. I couldn’t wait to really get a chance to be with her. I wanted to hold her, but the nurse explained she would have to remain on her belly on the bed until after her surgery. I was so happy the sides on the crib were plastic so that she could see me. I immediately reached in, and she grasped my finger. As I looked into her eyes, I was taken with how mesmerizing they were. I introduced myself to her… I knew she knew who I was. As I spoke, she lifted her eyes and looked at me. I said, “I’m here.” I assured her that I was gonna be here throughout everything that would come. I said, “Mommy is here, and I will always be here no matter what.” The look in her eyes made me feel like she knew and understood what I was saying. To say I was happy or relieved is an understatement. She was perfect! She was beautiful! She was everything I could have ever wanted in a little girl! 

 I moved from the wheelchair into the recliner in her room and settled in. I familiarized myself with her room and where all of the supplies were for her care. I was ready to start being mommy. With this, my mother knew I was in a good place; she softly stroked Jaaziel’s head and leaned in to kiss her. This warmed my heart. I could see she was slightly alarmed by the number of tubes and wires they had attached to her. She didn’t let her fear stop her from showing Jaaziel love, and she allowed herself to act on it. It was pure and beautiful. With that, she turned to me and explained she was going to head back to my house to take care of the boys. I replied that I would call if I had any news and thanked her. The Anesthetist and I sat there admiring our little girl. I took pictures to share with my friends. I wanted them to see that she made it and that she was beautiful. I was proud of my Jaaziel. I could tell the Anesthetist was anxious. He looked at her lovingly but was critiquing her at the same time. He allowed his fear to overcome him and started questioning her legs and her feet. I explained that we just need to be patient. God knew that we needed Him to show up and that He was still working things out. God sent Dr. Ain. He was warm and very confident. He introduced himself to both of us and went right over to Jaaziel’s bedside. When he looked at her, he said, “She is a Rock Star!” He explained that there would be a series of tests that he would be doing to get a good picture of her health, but she looked good. The Anesthetist questioned her feet. You see, in the position that she was in on her stomach, the top of her feet could touch her shin. Dr. Ain explained that this occurs when babies have been in a particular position for so long in utero. He said, “We just need to give her some time.” I understood this. It made perfect sense to me. I saw firsthand that she NEVER moved out of position. So it made sense that so soon after delivery, she would be in the same position now. The look on Dr. Ain’s face and the confidence in his voice gave me more peace. He continued to say how good she looked and referred to her as a Rock Star. I knew her situation was looking good. I was calm and very grateful. When Dr. Ain left, I said, “See. Just be grateful for what we have now. It’s gonna be okay.” Other doctors streamed in to evaluate her as well. Each report we were given was promising. The Anesthetist didn’t seem too quick to drop his worry. After some time, Jaaziel’s nurse came in and let us know she was being taken for more tests. She said I would be notified about the tests she was receiving and the time she would be out of her room. I knew this was essential information and that Dr. Jallo needed to prepare for surgery later that day. She suggested that I head back to my room as well because I needed to be checked. Before I left, I asked how I would be able to feed her. I breastfed all of my other children and really saw the importance and wanted to do the same for her. Our nurse made a call and let me know that a breast pump would be sent to my room, and someone would be in to show me how to use it. I thanked her, kissed Jaaziel, and told her I would see her soon. 

 The Anesthetist and I made our way back to my room. Once there, I noticed he seemed antsy. I asked if he was okay, and he said he was. He explained that he was gonna head out to go back to work since it was still early. I thought this was really strange. We knew that Jaaziel was here but was getting tons of tests. Doctors were in and out of the room giving us information, and she had not even been on Earth for a full 6 hours yet, and he thought work was the place to be… I reminded him that her surgery was scheduled for later that day. He promised he would be back before that. I didn’t have much faith in that. I also didn’t have much faith that he was going back to work either, but I didn’t argue the point. I said I would call if I had any news, and he left.

 There I sat, in my hospital room, alone. It was an eerie feeling. The room felt cold and sterile. The room itself was lovely, simply beautiful, but I was missing Jaaziel. I craved her. I wanted her bassinet near my bed. I wasn’t accustomed to being alone after having a baby. I didn’t like it. The doctors and the nurses who came into the room assured me that everything was okay. They urged me to rest, but I couldn’t. I could only think about how alone I was. And if I was alone, how did Jaaziel feel? We needed one another.  

 As the day moved along, I busied myself. I called and/or texted all of my friends and family who checked up on me during my pregnancy. I caught them all up to speed on where things were with Jaaziel. I also called my mother and the boys. My mother’s first question was, “Where is the Anesthetist?” I told her that he had to go back to work but promised to return before Jaaziel had her surgery. She responded with a deep and throaty “Uh huh.” that let me know she really didn’t believe what I was saying. I had my doubts that he would be there too. The boys were so excited to talk to me. They wanted to know all about her, who she looked like, and what she was doing. Tyree told me that he and Zyon ran to all the neighbors and told them to start praying because she was here but would need surgery. That made my day. These boys knew that there was power in prayer. They knew there was power in the number of people interceding for us in prayer. They also probably just wanted a chance to run around outside the house and chat it up with our neighbors too. I was totally fine with that. In fact, their excitement thrilled me. 

 I have to admit I was a bit of a stalker tracking Jaaziel in the hospital. Even if she was not in her room, I would reason that by the time I moved my slow, sore body through time and space to reach her room, she would probably be back there. I prepared my “mommy bag” with all the belongings I would need for my trek to see her. I was smart enough to use the wheelchair. But it wasn’t easy. Using my arms to push the wheels was an epic problem for my abdominals… Forgive me y’all, but in that long hallway, I was having a not-so-Christian conversation with my body. The pain and cramping I felt then was worse than I felt delivering Jaaziel. I quickly decided using my arms to push the chair along was not going to work. I then decided that I could just stand up and use the chair as a walker of sorts. I think I was experiencing a type of delirium due to the pain from trying to use my arms to push the chair, to be honest. I should have known this was a bad idea. But I did anyway. When I gathered enough strength and inertia to thrust my pelvis forward out of the seat and stand upright, my pelvic muscles joined forces and staged a coup via cramping that made me consider an alternative as I dropped my bottom like it was hot back in that chair. I sat there in that empty hall thinking, “Where are all the people?” and “Am I never going to make it?”. “This is just ridiculous”, I thought as I held my face in the palms of my hands. I decided to be creative… I used my legs and did this modified type of crab scoot while holding on to the wall. I was quite pleased that I was alone in the hall then. I’m sure I looked like some monster from a horror movie, especially with the crazed determination in my eyes. What can I say? I was a mommy on a mission. There is a time to be cute, and this wasn’t it. As I slowly scoot-rolled into her room, I knew that it was all worth it. There is something so beautiful about seeing your baby sleep. My love for her grew just watching her. She would briefly open her eyes and acknowledge my presence, and fall right back to sleep. She knew I was there, and that is all I needed.

 During that first day, they sent me back to my room a few times due to the testing schedule. As I sat in my beautiful, quiet, empty room, I watched the clock. It was almost five, and the Anesthetist had not returned yet. I called. There was no answer. He called back shortly, and I could hear he was outside. I asked if he was on his way back to the hospital, and he said he was. I asked him to hurry because her surgery was due to start soon. I got off the phone with him knowing that he probably would not be there for her surgery. Shortly after, Dr. Jallo arrived in my room. He told me that it was time to prep Jaaziel for her surgery. He walked me through the procedure again and said that he would be up to let me know how the surgery went as soon as he was done. Dr. Jallo explained that the surgery should take about an hour or so. I thanked him for speaking with me and then asked if I had time to go pray with her. He responded, “Absolutely!” I made the long, painful trek back to her room. When I reached the side of her crib, I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. I stroked her head and held her hand, and started to pray. I asked God to cover her at this time. I thanked God again for her safe delivery and asked that He show up the same way He showed up all through my pregnancy. I thanked Him for being a consistent God. I thanked Him for being with us and giving us the victory! As I held her hand and prayed over her, we prayed for every person who would have a hand in the surgery. I prayed that God touch and bless their hands and their minds. I asked that He anoint and protect each of them, giving them clarity of mind and precision with their hands. Then I asked that God send the Holy Spirit and His angels to protect, comfort, and escort her through the surgery. When I closed the prayer, I had peace of mind. I had a calm stillness that comforted me as I kissed my little girl’s face. I promised that I would see her right after the surgery as I watched them wheel her into the elevator. I made my way back to my room. When I reached my bedside, I took note of the time. It was 6:00 pm. All I could think about was my baby needed surgery, and she was only 12 hours old. I continued to pray. I decided to take my mind off the negativity by calling home to let my mother and boys know that Jaaziel had just gone to surgery. I explained it could take a few hours, but I would call as soon as it was finished. I also called the Anesthetist to inform him that she was taken to surgery as well. I saw Dr. Jallo standing at my door as I disconnected the call. He looked shocked. His look made me anxious. He said, “It was much more straightforward than what we expected and that there was minimal effort needed.” I looked at the clock; it was 6:15 pm. My mouth dropped open, and I said, “It only took 15 minutes?!”….He went on to explain she was fine and was back in the NICU. He said she had a tube in the incision to drain the fluid that needed to be observed and that she had a breathing tube, as we discussed. I asked when I would be able to see her. He said that should be soon, but I should wait until they have had some time to continue to check her. Before leaving, he said she was doing well and that they would continue to check on her. As he walked out the door, I thanked God for showing up and doing the unthinkable once again! I was beside myself with joy when I called to let everyone know that the surgery was over and that it was a quick win for God!

 When the Anesthetist arrived at the hospital, I asked what took him so long. He explained, but I really didn’t listen to or hear the explanation. I knew whatever kept him from being at the hospital was not as crucial as her surgery. I was annoyed but did not waste energy debating it with him. I also noticed that the hospital band he was provided as her father was not on his arm. It was in his pocket, and he was playing with it. It seemed like he was trying to keep me from noticing it. I asked him why it was off. He said, “It came off when I had to fix my car earlier today.” This is what he said stopped him from being at the hospital. We both knew that wasn’t the truth. I could tell from the band that it was stretched before it popped by the narrow ends. I could also tell from his eyes he was lying. Again, I was annoyed but did not spend the energy debating it. Jaaziel was there and I was going to direct my energy to her. We made our way to her room. As we turned the corner, I smiled as I saw the “007” outside of her door. When we entered the room, I could see that she was lying on her stomach as Dr. Jallo indicated that she would be. She also had a breathing tube in her mouth. She was awake and obviously very annoyed. The nurse was in the room checking her out when we arrived. She explained that the surgery went well too. She said that we had a little fighter. All of this was obvious. Jaaziel was pushing up on her hands and thrashing her head around like a shark. I have never seen a baby less than a day old do anything like this before. I was AMAZED! The nurse explained that the breathing tube would likely be coming out soon because she moved around so much. She said Jaaziel had a really high tolerance for pain because she had only been given Tylenol. Let that marinate in your mind.... Jaaziel had been through back surgery and only need Tylenol. That is strength of epic proportions! I sat in the wheelchair stunned. I had prepared myself to see Jaaziel with a breathing tube in her throat for at least a few days. The news that the tube would be coming out after a few hours was remarkable! I thanked God! I knew that once again, my Creator was showing up and showing out! I knew my position was to give Him all the honor and praise! My only job was to worship! That is precisely what I did. I took Jaaziel’s hand in mine and smiled, and said, “Look at God!” I prayed and thanked God for all He had done and for bringing her this far. Looking at her, I knew we were not out of the woods, but things were extremely positive. I knew that God was with us.

Part 8 coming soon!

Keep evolving toward excellence!!